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Assholes Inc

Written by David Harry   
Monday, 11 August 2008 10:53

We’ll F@%k up the competition

Looking for new ways to rise above the pack? Here at AI we say;

“If you can’t beat ‘em – destroy ‘em!”

You’ve heard of reputation management services, but do you know about our anti-reputation management programs? We’re the company that keeps the rep managers in business. If you’ve got a competitor (or even a friend, spouse… we don’t care) that needs to be bitch slapped far and wide on the web, then you’ve come to the right spot.

Here’s just some of the nightmare your target will face;

  • Lost revenues
  • Destroyed marketing campaigns
  • PR staff breakdown
  • Search engine sadness
  • Mental instability for executives
  • Hair loss (from pulling it out)
  • Increased rep management costs.
  • Email overflow and madness
  • Internal stress and strife

 

The Methods of our Madness

Digg news squasher and pimp machine; our experts have bots at the ready to vote down positive stories about the target and max out the negative stories with viral goodiness to ensure they Digg their own grave

Stumble troll bait; we will set up sock puppets posing as target company staffers submit so much self-indulgent crap that they will be set upon by Stumble trolls night and day. These voracious predators will eat them alive!!

Flikr Clicker; we shall follow the competitors primary and secondary execs until we have a veritable treasure trove of nasty pics in nefarious situations to post on Flikr for the world to see what shit heads they really are.

Networking numpties; our keen SOBs will harass the target company staffers at every turn, from FaceBook to Twitter… we’ll make managing social networking profiles a nightmare! Our social spamming program also ensures nothing but negative reactions and death threats! We’ll keep them phones ringing.

Forum Freaks; not to be left out, the old school is new again as we not only spread the word of the crap that they are, but we also set our spam bots to spam the crap outta related industry forums – always a great way to #$%@ them up.

Google Bombing and bowling; our crack team of SEOs (search engine opportunists) will max out the search results to not only ensure that nothing positive makes the top 20, but we’ll also target them with unflattering phrases including such terms as ‘Scam’ ‘Thief’ ‘Crooks’ and much much more…

Flame bait; the link bait staff here at AI will create scathing articles that will ensure an all out PR war against your competition. We won’t stop until they screw up and then nail them to the wall again and again!

Review this; we’ll hit every complaint site there is slashing and smashing the competitors offerings thus keeping the PR peeps busy around the clock (hell, they’d have to hire staff to keep up with the mahem).

 

They never see you coming

The best part about working with Assholes Inc. is that they will never know who hit them (or what hit them either). With our state of the art proxies and spam bots at the ready we can ensure that no one ever knows it was you that created the tidal wave of bad karma! They can’t sue you if they can’t find you.

So what are you waiting for? Sign up today and start the suffering for your competition tomorrow!

 

(note; for the brain dead among you, this was just some cheaky fun... unless you have mega $$... maybe...he he)

 

 

Comments  

 
+1 # Snoop Bloggy Blog 2008-08-11 15:21
HAHAHA!

Nicely done sir.
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+1 # Brian Carter 2008-08-11 17:46
Nice, this is funny- I've had one in mind for some time that's similar... but different enough I'll still write it :-)
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+3 # James Duthie 2008-08-11 18:53
I couldn't think of anyone more appropriate to run Assholes Inc than yourself Dave... :-)
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+1 # rishil 2008-08-12 03:12
I would like a full brochure with pricelists. I have about 35 assholes to fry.

Do you provide quantity discount?

Kind Regards
The Guy Who Keeps Getting Pitches From Agencies He Doesnt Want To Work With.
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+1 # Garrett Pierson 2008-08-12 06:41
Man you never cease to amaze! Like rishil I would like the full brochure and pricing for Asshole Inc. LOL
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0 # pageoneresults 2008-08-12 08:01
"note; for the brain dead among you, this was just some cheaky fun."

Bummer! As I was reading me urge to sign up just increased. By the time I got to the above part, it was total deflation, I was ready to signup!
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+1 # Dave 2008-08-12 08:33
he he.... well thanks ya'll - glad you had some fun with it... I know I did ;0)

While writing it, in between laughing, it did cross my mind that there are likely peeps already offering a related service. :evil:

It sure sounds like a lot more fun than the usual SMM route huh?

@Edward.... nice to see U bro... another convert to the madness of the FireHorse? he he.... thanks for dropping by!
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0 # pageoneresults 2008-08-12 09:00
"@Edward.... nice to see U bro... another convert to the madness of the FireHorse? he he.... thanks for dropping by!"

Thanks Dave! Since diving into Social Media at the beginning of 2008 July, I found where a good portion of the quality is and I'm following you guys/gals now!

You can thank the folks at Twitter for sending me over here. A quick link here and there goes a long way with us Twits!

And yes, negative SEO has been a long standing practice in the industry before it was even discussed publicly. It's a lot easier now with the advent of Social Media. If I wanted to, I could wreak havoc on a brand in less than 48 hours.

Tis not a joking matter and people do it day in and day out. Why do you think there are so many complaining at the fora level? Some of them have been the victim of negative SEO and don't even know it. :sad:
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+1 # Dave 2008-08-12 09:33
well, play safe with the social media marketing as I've witnessed 'social media burnout' on more than a few levels over the last year... (can be a time sink as well)

As for the 'bad boys' - part of any learning in this biz is 'the Dark Side' as you well know.... so there is all manner of nastiness out there and it played into my cynicism with the post... personally cheating or playing dirty is not in the play book... it's for the weak that have a sub-par offering.. IMHO at least...

Really enjoyed your madness/fascination with Sphinn BTW (we need a support group - he he) ... keep up the great work yourself!!
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+1 # Courtney 2008-08-12 11:20
Funny stuff. It is also good for PR kids to remember that this stuff does happen sometimes. :woohoo:
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0 # Jeff Quipp 2008-08-12 11:32
Dave, you're having far too much fun at work again :evil: Great post!
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0 # Dave 2008-08-12 13:44
@Courtney - they say all humor contains an element of truth... and I thought some fun might be a little educational as well :woohoo:

@Jeff - you know U want to start this company with me... he he.... BTW, I decided to grab the domain just for fun... look for the full parody site soon!!
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0 # pageoneresults 2008-08-12 13:55
"BTW, I decided to grab the domain just for fun."

Oh boy! You are lucky! I will normally buy domains based on words mentioned online. I would have thought that one taken for sure. That is cool that you got it!

I'm careful these days when making up new words or expressing ideas. The more I write, the larger my domain portfolio grows. Just over 800 at the moment. :-)

I can hear the client now...

"So, how did you end up doing so well in the SERPs?"

"I hired A**holes, Inc. of course."

Oh boy! Your marketing literature is going to be full of A**holes. :-)

Note: Dave, your comment notification system is #1. In fact, it is the first one to work that I can remember. Keeps me coming back for more. Many have missed out on making sure their notification system works. About 99% of them!
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+1 # Jim Gaudet 2008-08-12 14:33
Too funny,

I love this line;

We’ll F@%k up the competition
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0 # Jaan Kanellis 2008-08-12 20:38
I want a job now! :evil: :evil:
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0 # Dave 2008-08-12 21:55
Well Edward, I've only known you (somewhat) a short time... but enjoyed it thoroughly. We may be occasionally abrasive, but I hearken to my Buddhist roots;

In order to be effective truth must penetrate like an arrow - and that is likely to hurt. - by Wei Wu Wei

ya know?

So yeah, have the name... but I am not much of an opportunist as I am a guy flowing along the trail...path.... river... to where it takes me ;0)

Thanks for dropping by so much... as U know... I appreciate that. Oh... oh.. (he he ( one more for ya;

The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself. -- Friedrich Nietzsche

Peace friend!
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0 # Dave 2008-08-12 21:57
oh sorry... yeah Jaan... U can haz job... cause U iz 'incredible' :woohoo:
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+1 # Neal \thePuck\ Jansons 2008-08-14 11:31
Very cute...especially you in the coat!
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0 # anthony 2008-08-17 12:56
:evil: We like the idea, how can we get ahold of you we would like to have you on our website. we think you would do great because of all the small businesses on it. please email me with how to contact you at admin@spotabusi ness.com
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0 # Kevin 2008-08-21 06:25
very cool dude
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+1 # Mich D aka @MichDdot 2008-09-17 17:46
How much?
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-1 # Dave 2008-09-17 19:42
Yea, like you need to outsource assholes Mich... he he....
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0 # Chris 2008-10-09 15:50
haha wow that's an interesting approch. :woohoo:
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0 # Rafael Montilla 2008-11-04 12:03
My friend hired a company to build a database of 15000
products and design a website, they spended 14 months doing this job,
the suprise for my friend was that this company used the database with
other website.

I could I would %$^^#@#$up them
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